I have found that of the many obscure and arcane things we find to stress about every day, the steps behind Division, Classification, and Process Analysis shouldn’t be included. Let me tell a story of how this knowledge was imparted to me…
The shack was run down, more so than the rest of the shanties leaning to and fro along the boardwalk. I could hear the rain pittering on the tin roof, made from flattened coffee cans. The only means to differentiate between the splintered, gaping boards of the flapping door and the adjoining walls was a crooked sign. I could barely make out what it said. “Sorceress Extraordinairre,” it announced in faded calligraphic script.
She must have seen me paused there, hunching over to peer at her plaque, for from inside came a voice straight out of Oz.
“Well, are you going to stand out there in the rain all day? Come in, come in…”
The weather making me no better offer, I hastened through. It was dim inside and had a musty smell – like one’s attic or basement. The walls were lined with shelves of bottles, flasks, and jars containing vague floating forms. Scattered about the floor were several dark, hunched shapes I hoped were furniture. They made me nervous – even more so when one spoke:
“Fortune read?” it cackled, shifting to point in my general direction. “First one’s free, first one’s free!”
Caught off guard, I stuttered. “I, uh, I don’t really…” Then something seemed to make up my mind for me. I heard myself accepting her offer. “Thank you, I would love it.” A light flared, and then settled on a candle. The shape of my hostess turned, shuffling through some curtains I hadn’t previously noticed. Warily skirting the “furniture,” I followed.
Inside, there were more candles; their flickering shadows hid more than they revealed. Even so, I could now perceive my hostess – a wizened little gnome, wisps of white hair poking out from beneath the hood of her robe. She sat me at a short, round table covered in cloth so faded as to barely make out the design. In the center, a large crystalline orb sat upon a silver holder designed to look like a toad.
A face like a cypress pushed toward me, gnarled and ancient – some of the grooves too deep to see bottom. “What’ll it be?”, she asks. If I had entertained any questions as to why her furniture didn’t devour her, the wash of fetid breath quickly disposed of them. “Palm read? Horoscope? Numerology? Tea leaves? The I-Ching?”
Gasping, “Whoa, what is all that? I thought you would just tell my fortune?”
“Not one to be impressed by the fancy stuff, eh?” she muttered. “Fine, fine…,” and leaning over, hawked and spit on the crystal ball. In almost the same motion, she took a fold of her robe and wiped it off. It might have been my eyes, but it seemed as if faint shimmers of light followed the motions of her arm. Mumbling under her breath, she waved long bony hands over the orb. “I see you very agitated. Yes, you will be extremely anxious. There is much work ahead of you if success is to be found, but proper preparation can reduce the burden. I am to be your guide upon the path of enlightenment.”
“Isn’t that a bit vague?” I ask. “That would fit just about anyone I know.”
Her wavering left eye rolled up to focus briefly on me. “You want more specific? How about this: I foresee you completing an assignment for a college class. Yes, it was foggy but now it’s getting clearer… it’s a paper… on division, classification or process analysis.”
“Division classification? Process analysis? What do they mean? Are those more of your mumbo jumbo mystical phrases?”
“No, my pet,” she smiled through a nasty, yellow picket fence. “They are simply ways of organizing information.”
“Simple? I don’t even have the faintest clue of where to start!” Cold skeletal hands gripped my soul. What fate could be worse than this, I thought, a composition without a clue.
My concerns must have shown upon my face. “Fear not,” she cackled, “These aren’t arcane formula, they’re used every day by many ‘normal’ people.
“To begin with, both categories have several things in common. Upon beginning your paper, it is important to first choose a subject to analyze. Will it be spells and potions, or will it be arcane implements? Maybe you will write about useful local flora. By picking a topic that you are familiar with, the paper will also be easier to write.
“Then, you must determine the purpose of your analysis. Will it be instructive, such as the steps to a love spell, or a treatise on the uses and abuses of poison herbs? Should it be educational, like a brief synopsis categorizing the ancient orders of druids? Finding your purpose will also help determine the nature of the paper: division, classification, process analysis or some combination thereof.
“In addition to – and often alongside – a purpose, an aspiring scribe should consider their audience. If your purpose is dividing the faerie into nymph, dryad and the like, you certainly shouldn’t be addressing novices. It is important to keep in mind who you are writing for. Boredom or incomprehension could ensue, resulting in needless tragedy for those faerie.” Here she paused to wheeze for a short moment before continuing.
“The next thing that needs deciding is one’s tone. If the scribe isn’t undead, they’ll have an opinion on the topic. This – and not a third eye – will help set the paper’s point of view. If you’re angry that newt’s eyes have been left out of potions for hundreds of years, use your anger as a focus. If it’s light-heartedness you wish to portray in your classification of flying spells, humor is the magic word.”
“A thesis statement is then developed. It should clearly and concisely convey all of the above: your topic, point of view, and audience. It will warn readers of what to expect from the paper. Ideally, the thesis should be one or two sentences at the beginning of your paper.
“This is when the three paths split. The first we follow is that of division. You should use division when there is a single large idea that must be broken down into smaller pieces to more easily understand. Take, for instance, the golem. While some might say, ‘seen one, seen them all,’ you may disagree. You might wish to help aspiring magi understand the differences between them. What you would need to do is find where the sharpest differences lay, and that will enable you to categorize them. With golem, it’s rather easy. The difference is what they’re made of: Iron, mud, stone, and flesh.”
With that, she paused to sit back and noisily slurp something from a cup, whose appearance I hadn’t noticed. In the poor light, the cup resembled a small skull in a way… She neglected to ask if I wanted any, an oversight I was more than happy to forget. The sound she made when clearing her throat made me think of the LaBrea tar pits. I would have checked behind me for saber-toothed creatures if she hadn’t leaned forward, ready to continue.
“Classification is almost an opposite to division. When you bring several related items together under a single category, you are classifying. Bat wings, for instance, may not seem to have much in common with salamander tails or nightshade. But as we sorceresses know, they all are used in wart hexes, and so may be lumped under one heading. The same could even be said of magi, sorceresses, wizards and witches – all practitioners of magic! The key here is finding the similarities between your items.
“The last style, process analysis, is really a mix of the first two. It is a technique used to explain the steps required to accomplish something. All our novices get ‘Build Your Own Broomstick’, a scroll leading them through a sometimes tricky process. Another example of a process analysis is Hecate’s famous scroll, ‘How I Summoned the BeanSidhe, and Lived to Tell About It,’ a process I’m sure none of us would put to use now – purely informative. The analysis is usually put forth in a clear, simple, chronological order. The division and classification help in deciding which large steps you need to break up, and what little steps can be conglomerated.
“When moving from one division to another within your paper, you may choose to use transition words. Transitional phrases often contain indicative words such as ‘kinds, parts, categories, abracadabra, first, next’ and so forth. ‘First the leg of spider, then the wing of bat.’ They help the paper flow, carrying the reader from one idea to the next.
“At last,” she said, slapping her bony hand on the table for emphasis, “these three styles reunite at the end in what’s called the ‘conclusion’. In the cauldron of your paper, this would be the time your previous ingredients may bob briefly back to the surface. Any last minute seasoning, directions for usage, suggestions, or solutions for the audience would be appropriate here, as well. For example: after a heart-wrenching essay on the poor non-living conditions today’s vampires suffer, you might reiterate the points made in the thesis, and ask the readers to do their part by leaving their cellar doors or attic windows ajar…”
As her voice went on, the words got fainter and fainter. There must have been something wrong with the candles, or it might have been my eyes, for the light seemed to be fading as well. The last thing I remember was hearing a soft echo, “Now, novice, you are ready to begin your paper. Go forth confident in your knowledge.” Suddenly I felt very sleepy – I just wanted to close my eyes for a bit…
I awoke in the library, slumped over my notepad amidst half eaten candy-corn. I shook my head, amused at having fallen asleep while trying to start my paper. I had been so frustrated with my assignment before, but where once there was emptiness, now there were ideas. It would be easy to decide on and write about division, classification or process analysis. I picked up my pencil, turned the page, and stopped – written there in a faint calligraphic script were the words, “The End.”
[I stumbled across one of my old papers/assignments while cleaning out some backups. --Ben]
